I’ve been “out” for a few weeks now, following a second
surgery: out of action, out of contact and even a little out of full
consciousness (pain meds).
The process of recovery involves sitting still, all day
long, moving minimally, and since I live alone, an unusual amount of solitude.
The first time, I managed to convince myself that it was a
long, welcome retreat, a time for going deeper into prayer and study and
self-discovery. It actually was, but it
was a huge effort to sustain my enthusiasm for it over several months. I am an active and social person, trying desperately
to love immobility and solitude.
With the second surgery, I fell into a deep gaping well of
self-pity.
About to drown in it, I finally roused myself to try a
solution that’s always helped in the past.... affirmations, reading positive
statements about myself that don’t really sound true but which I would like to be true, over and over until
they become true.
It’s hoky, but it works.
So I started looking for affirmations, which at that point
were so absurdly untrue, they made me laugh.
Like: I am happily doing everything I can to recover. Healing is flowing into my legs like a
cascading river. Every day I am getting
better and stronger. I cherish this
period of solitude as I ready myself to take up my life again.
I found one that really popped my cork:
I take complete
responsibility for everything in my life and therefore
I am in a position to
lead the life I want.
Complete responsibility.
COMPLETE responsibility.
If I’m self-pitying, that is my responsibility. If I’m negative, my
responsibility. Whatever approach I take
to my own situation and to the universe, it’s my responsibility.
That simple concept pulled me up from the bottom of my hole.
I think this applies to overeating, too. Sometimes we overeat in a passive
approach to life. We’re bored, we’re
lonely, we have bad genetics, tv commercials encourage poor eating, it’s the
holidays, etc. And instead of taking
full responsibility, we eat.
What would happen if, every time we took a bite of something or made a
decision about food, we took COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY for it?
I personally am prone to a kind of magical thinking that says, “If I
don’t notice the details, then it didn’t happen.” So if I eat distractedly, those foods won’t
have any calories or fat-building properties.
I get off scot-free as long as I don’t pay too much attention to what I
put in my mouth.
(It doesn’t work, by the way.)
But if I regard every food decision as my COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY,
then it is utterly up to me which direction I’m going. When I eat fresh vegetables and lean protein,
I’m consciously choosing to give my body its best shot at quick recovery. When I eat refined sugar, I’m consciously
choosing an immediate gratification over optimal healing.
I can eat whatever I choose, but I’m living in reality
instead of FantasyLand. It may not feel quite as fun, but the inescapable truth
is that FantasyLand closes at the end of the day and you eventually have to go home.
So why wouldn’t I make “home” someplace I love to be? When I make choices with COMPLETE
RESPONSIBILITY, I am building a reality for myself that is so good, I don’t
want FantasyLand any more. My reality will be better.
If I take responsibility for my decisions, then my long-term reality
becomes moving, running, loving life; I am lean and trim, I am all about the
goal. I am an arrow flying towards the
bull’s-eye. I am my best self.
There is no possible fantasy better than that.
